The ultimate snarky gift giving guide for Seattleites

Dec 2, 2016, 5:58 AM | Updated: 9:09 am

1. An apartment: $1,850 a month (plus $210 for parking)

Perhaps you know someone in your life constantly complaining on Twitter and Facebook about the cost of living in Seattle? Hook them up with one month’s rent on that apartment they leased, but clearly can’t afford. They’re only in the apartment so they have something to pay for (sure, they can live in another neighborhood comfortably, but that would cut down their angry tweet production by 84% and we can’t have that). (AP)

2. Bertha: add cost

Who doesn’t love a giant boondoggle of a gift? If you have someone in your life who will scoff at an inexpensive gift because they think the more you spend, the more you love them, why not purchase the Bertha drill? Talk about a status symbol. If you’re hoping to purchase, Bertha will be done drilling by 2027, then will take a good 10 years to drill its way to your friend’s home, so please plan accordingly. (WSDOT)

3. Occidental Avenue: $2.99

Chris Hansen and his fellow investors are doing what they can to purchase a street vacation so they can build a fully-funded future home for an NBA and NHL team, but the City of Seattle is doing what it can to stop it (they wouldn’t want to tick off their union supporters). Seeing that the City is willing to disappoint legions of Sonics fan, while pretending KeyArena has a shot at accommodating an NBA team, you can probably get a steal for the street vacation if you promise not to sell it to Hansen. This way, the City can take less heat from the public and place the blame on whomever you gift this street to. (AP)

4. Personal Bus Line: TBD tax dollars

With the passage of the $54 billion dollar ST3 package, the Seattlites have indicated we haven’t come remotely close to tax saturation; we’ll take even more of a tax burden. With that mind, all it takes is a few initiative signatures to get on the ballot a personal bus line for your friend to use to and from work, paid for by tax dollars. This thoughtful gift is a shoe-in for passage and your loved one will never forget it. (MyNorthwest)

5. Bulky green Pronto bike: free

The City spent millions of dollars building, promoting and acquiring the failed bike share service Pronto. This system will soon be obsolete. What will they be doing with the current green bikes no one is riding once the City brings in electronic bike replacements that no one will ride? I bet the City will end up giving them away for free. Sure, the bicyclist in your life already has a bike (which is why Pronto failed), but it’s the thought that counts. Want to wait for the electronic bike models for a gift? Give it a year and they City will end up giving those away too. (AP)

6. Trump Island for the homeless: $7.75 million

Have a Progressive in your life? Perhaps they buy into the “homeless island” idea that King County Democrats’ Omaha Sternberg discussed? If so, Trump Island is a steal and would make a great holiday gift! Not only could you house the homeless there, you’ll be giving Donald Trump another win: he’ll be perceived to have helped end homelessness in Washington. (AP)

7. Safe Space: free to occupy

You might have made the mistake of sharing this parody blog with one of your friends without offering them a trigger warning. No doubt, they’ll need a safe space to decompress. Sure, you can hang out at “Haven” at Seattle Pacific University, but that might cost you. Why not take over one of the Dean’s offices at the SPU campus? They let students hold the space hostage without consequences, so I’m sure you can too. But don’t call this a Christmas or Hanukkah gift, please. The recipient probably blames organized religion for all the world’s woes. (AP)

8. Homeless czar: $137,500

George Scarola is Seattle’s new homeless czar who will supposedly help solve all of our problems. The city pays him $137,500 annually. If you’re a high roller, the city will throw another $50 million your way, again, annually, to help try to help people off the streets. (AP)

9. Light rail train: $54 billion+

This is one of those weird shirts your aunt gives you … when all you wanted was a gift card. Just ask Pierce County, which rejected ST3 in November, but still gets the shirt that’s one size too small and won’t be relevant for at least another 20 years. (Dow Constantine via Twitter)

Do you have someone who’s impossible to find a gift for? Look no further. Jason Rantz has a full list of gift giving ideas perfect for picky Seattleites.

1. An apartment: $1,850 a month (plus $210 for parking)

Perhaps you know someone in your life constantly complaining on Twitter and Facebook about the cost of living in Seattle? Hook them up with one month’s rent on that apartment they leased, but clearly, can’t afford. They’re only in the apartment so they have something to pay for (sure, they can live in another neighborhood comfortably, but that would cut down their angry tweet production by 84 percent and we can’t have that).

2. Bertha: add cost

Who doesn’t love a giant boondoggle of a gift? If you have someone in your life who will scoff at an inexpensive gift because they think the more you spend, the more you love them, why not purchase the Bertha drill? Talk about a status symbol. It will take a good 10 years to drill its way to your friend’s home, so please plan accordingly.

3. Occidental Avenue: $2.99

Chris Hansen and his fellow investors are doing what they can to purchase a street vacation so they can build a fully-funded future home for an NBA and NHL team, but the City of Seattle is doing what it can to stop it (they wouldn’t want to tick off their union supporters). Seeing that the city is willing to disappoint legions of Sonics fan while pretending KeyArena has a shot at accommodating an NBA team, you can probably get a steal for the street vacation if you promise not to sell it to Hansen. This way, the city can take less heat from the public and place the blame on whoever is gifted this street.

4. Personal Bus Line: TBD tax dollars

With the passage of the $54 billion Sound Transit 3 package, Seattlites have indicated we haven’t come remotely close to tax saturation; we’ll take even more of a tax burden. With that mind, all it takes is a few initiative signatures to get on the ballot a personal bus line for your friend to use to and from work, paid for by tax dollars. This thoughtful gift is a shoe-in for passage and your loved one will never forget it.

5. Bulky green Pronto bike: free

The city spent millions of dollars building, promoting and acquiring the failed bike share service Pronto. This system will soon be obsolete. What will they be doing with the current green bikes no one is riding once the city brings in electronic bike replacements that no one will ride? I bet the city will end up giving them away for free. Sure, the bicyclist in your life already has a bike (which is why Pronto failed), but it’s the thought that counts. Want to wait for the electronic bike models for a gift? Give it a year and the city will end up giving those away too.

6. Trump Island for the homeless: $7.75 million

Have a Progressive in your life? Perhaps they buy into the “homeless island” idea that King County Democrats’ Omaha Sternberg discussed? If so, Trump Island is a steal and would make a great holiday gift! Not only could you house the homeless there, you’ll be giving Donald Trump another win: he’ll be perceived to have helped end homelessness in Washington.

7. Safe Space: free to occupy

You might have made the mistake of sharing this parody blog on gift giving with one of your friends without offering them a trigger warning. No doubt, they’ll need a safe space to decompress. Sure, you can hang out at “Haven” at Seattle Pacific University, but that might cost you. Why not take over one of the dean’s offices at the SPU campus? They let students hold the space hostage without consequences, so I’m sure you can too. But don’t call this a Christmas or Hanukkah gift, please. The recipient probably blames organized religion for all the world’s woes.

8. Homeless czar: $137,500

George Scarola is Seattle’s new homeless czar who will supposedly help solve all of our problems. The city pays him $137,500 annually. If you’re a high roller, the city will throw another $50 million your way, again, annually, to help try to help people off the streets.

9. Light rail train: $54 billion-plus

This is one of those weird shirts your aunt gives you … when all you wanted was a gift card. Just ask Pierce County, which rejected ST3 in November, but still gets the shirt that’s one size too small and won’t be relevant for at least another 20 years.